Selfish
by Danica Napier
Summary: Remus Lupin was a selfish man, but also not. RL/NT, some JP/LE!


**Hi! So, I was thinking about this story for a long time, and I finally decided that I wanted to publish it! Enjoy!**

Remus Lupin sighed and set his book down. It was Christmas, and he was spending it at the Burrow, before having to go back underground with the werewolves. Unfortunately. But he had to, for the Order. For the war. For Nymphadora. This was to protect her from him, no matter how much she thought that he didn't love her. How wrong she was, and she didn't even know it.

He sat there, stoic and silent, brooding and aching on the inside. He should've been happy, knowing that he'd made it through another year alive, or just simply because it was that time of year, and everyone around him was happy. He knew that they were wondering about him. Only a few knew about his predicament, like Arthur and Molly Weasley, and Dumbledore, who wasn't at the Burrow at the moment. He didn't want them to worry about him. He didn't need to be worried for.

He didn't hear much except for his own internal battle. The crackling of the fire, the laughter of the kids, the Christmas music playing in the kitchen; he couldn't hear any of it. The only thing he heard was his silent battle, ringing in his ears. He wished he could hear and enjoy the happy atmosphere of the Weasleys' home.

Why couldn't he ever enjoy anything? Why couldn't he feel happy and look happy? Why couldn't he be human? Why couldn't he be younger? Why couldn't he be good enough for his (but really not his) Nymphadora? It wasn't fair, but then again, life wasn't fair. It never was, and it never would be. Remus had to accept it sooner or later, before someone got hurt. But someone already had. Two people, more like. Him and Nymphadora.

He truly didn't understand her. What could _she, _a young, beautiful, colorful and happy metamorphmagus possibly see in an old, scarred and bookish werewolf? What could've possessed her to think that she could ever think she was in love with _him, _of all people? No matter how many times she would tell him, he wouldn't believe it. It didn't make sense. Nothing at all was logical about her loving him. There was no possible or probable way.

Harry and Ginny passed by him, looking at him with worried eyes before leaving the room. A small smile appeared on Remus' face, but it quickly turned melancholic, before leaving his face altogether. Harry and Ginny reminded him so much of James and Lily, it was almost too much to bear.

When he thought of James Potter and Lily Evans Potter, the word that immediately came to his mind was "soul mates." They were meant to be together. Meant to fall in love. Meant to live a happy life.

True, Lily had hated James from their first year to their sixth, but it all changed in their seventh year. James had grown up (kind of). He stopped hexing random students for the fun of it. Even Sirius had grown up, but not as much. Even till his death, Sirius was still a bit immature, but he was still a good friend, and in many ways, wiser than even Remus.

Over their Hogwarts years, Remus had found himself slightly jealous that James could love Lily freely, without having to worry about a monthly affliction that left him battered and scarred. James, Sirius and even Peter had told him that he'd find someone someday, but he scoffed at them. He had said that there would always be no one, and he was destined to be alone.

But somehow, love had found him. Ever since they met through the Order, he knew that she had him, but he still tried to deny it. He was the ultimate denier, really. He had denied that he would find someone, he had denied to himself that James and Lily were dead before he saw their dead bodies, and he denied Tonks' love. He would deny everything and anything to ensure her safety. All for her.

In a way, he was frustrated at her. How could she not see that he loved her? That all he was doing was to protect her from being socially degraded, and from the wolf. That he was saving her from himself. She wouldn't want him when she found a handsome young man that could provide for her and give her everything that she deserved. He couldn't give her anything. And he most definitely didn't deserve her.

She had told him that there would never be anyone else for her but him. That it didn't matter what he looked like, that it was on the inside that mattered. But on the inside lied the wolf. And on the outside was an old man who'd been through more sufferings than he felt necessary. But he'd take it. He'd suffer even the slowest, most excruciating death for Nymphadora. He'd let himself suffer, watching her with the young man he knew that she could and would find and be happier with than him.

James and Lily were perfect together in every way, personality looks. Both were good-looking, and had had many dates in their Hogwarts years before their seventh. He had been arrogant, yes, but that had changed in that wonderful last year. She was kind and loving, but had a temper that put James in his place. Not even Remus, one of James' best friends, could do that. Lily completed James, and James completed Lily. Remus could never think of just one without thinking of the other too.

He and Nymphadora, unlike James and Lily, were complete opposites, in both looks and personality. It was hardly romantic, him being old and shabby, and her being young and colorful. Not even the lamest author would write that romance. Only Nymphadora would.

She said that she was the one who didn't deserve him, with his goodness and pureness. He didn't mean to laugh at her, but he did. It was the other way around. She said that she was his. He scoffed at her. She was never his, but he would always be hers. He would stay and protect her. He was hers.

But there was one thing that she had failed to say. He was selfish. Selfish enough to get a happy feeling whenever she was around. Selfish enough to let himself get lost in her. Selfish enough to love her. At least James and Lily weren't selfish. They didn't need to have each other's love completely to go on with life. But Nymphadora was Remus' life preserver. Without her, there was no reason for him to live. She was his air supply. She was his heart. But he was too selfish, again, and he could never live with himself if he caused her to live in the world without her supposed "soul mate."

Again, with that word. He would only ever think of James and Lily as soul mates. Never Remus and Nymphadora. Soul mates meant that you were meant to love each other and be together. He may have been meant to love Nymphadora, but that didn't mean that they were meant to be together.

He may have been a selfish man, but at least he was also protecting the woman he loved.

**So, what did you think? Too sappy? Sweet? Cute? Please review! **


End file.
